i don't really mean to..

i don't really mean to talk bad about you. but yeah. i, no we, think it's actually better that you're not around. we're actually happy. because you show up when things have already been done. which means ms tan would think that you had a part when you actually had none. don't show up at the oddest time. i don't like to talk bad about people but you've really crossed the line. if you spend more than half a week absent, you might as well not show up and make our job easier. much much easier. pffft. so just be gone. because:
1) you're never around when we need you, but you're around when you're not.
2) don't think i pity you.
3) if you've really been gone for that amount of time, prove it to everyone and not just say it.
4) if you want to be absent, you might as well not come for exams/tests/whatever of that sort because it's not as if doing them will help.


everytime i think of project work i want to cry because of our virtually non-existent group member. i think if what ms tan said is true, it might help. pffft.


thankyouthankyou he made my day better despite the blistering cold. :))))

shagged

the best song to describe how i feel? the kaiser chief's oh my god. ooh. bet you want to know my results. haha. i beat like a gazillion other people to be 2nd. hoho. going kl in two months time. can you hear me shaking in my skin?


third - joseph from anderson sec
second - me
first - jonathan from mi.


the millenian and the innovian shocked yous from the top jc didn't we? nyahaha. $300 worth of moolah in my pocket will come. yay.

oh come on

aah! competition is tomorrow. how? no blazer. no anything. i feel so helpless. stupid mr mahmood got me a size s blazer thinking i can fit into it. like hello? aah! there must something perveriably wrong with him. but at least he said nice things today. like my writing fluidity. yippees. and said that my writing is quite high standard for ij standards. pffft. now i'm like a sitting duck in school waiting for a blazer. yipes!


i want him to be there. but no. pffft. now i've got the feeling that i've want this so bad. so bad it'd hurt. represent school. represent country? blazer first. you can think about the country later girl. and actually research while you're at it. haiz. my life is never over it seems.


bohemian like you

absolutely maybe

competition's in three days. i feel so unprepared. help me someone. it'll take a miracle for me to not screw up i suppose. where are you when i need you? pfft.


training. not going to elaborate, though. today i was scatterbrained. the mind and body not functioning as one. ouh. i feel like breaking down. even his words can't help me now. was doodling just now. i'll show you the doodles soon.

i'm not philip

it happened again. people called/smsed me thinking that i'm philip. like hello? can you people check the number before you send/call. ugh.


a smile can change everything. guess what? yours did. thanks for the pep talk

stone faced and drug-eyed

charles bukowski's pulp is beautifull. it's so bukowski. typically him. the language the style the raw energy. nyeaha. if god is a dj, he'd play only the best songs. starbucks and my little brother are my current loves. the rest of u can wait in line..

indigo dreams

yesterday i was out the entire day.


in the morning had the arts workshop thing with noorlinah. met oniatta. she is so cute and nice. after chaperoning the darul ma'wa group, had lunch of green nasi lemak and helped june at foh. pretty boring so we played sudoku. then we decided to steal food from the refreshment room and the council room. okay, we didn't steal because fanny asked us to take whatever we wanted. so anyway, left around 4.30pm. decided to go to acm, which is just next door. then went for the ymca y-camp bbq.


of course had a reunion with the uni-y and my little brother. he was complaining about starbucks and soccer and ladidas. and guess what? we were both wearing the exact same giordano size-s black polo tee. oh gosh we should have taken a picture of that. anyway, we decided to scram after eating a bit. went to starbucks where we made total fools of ourselves. he decided to whisper an insult to the barista hoping the fella wouldn't hear. but guess what? he did and messed up my brother's order. so poor thing. we got high on frappucinos while walking to ps. my parents fetched us and sent him home to hougang. we were two nutjobs at the back laughing and giggling nonstop at stupid jokes and cars. and stories about kindergarten crushes. hoho. got a set date with him. 22nd july 2007. loll.

i feel so down.

oh man. mr mahmood just knows how to ensure that my days are shit. i was so prepared to be rapped by him again today like last week about the sea essay. and guess what? the deadline's actually next week. how shite can that be? oh and to make it worse, of all days to choose, he had to chose today to tell me that the ASEAN competition is next saturday. NEXT SATURDAY! that is so, oh my god i just want to sit in a corner and just be off tanget. therefore, next week will be training/mugging until the competition date. noo. boo.


oh and he was heavenly. the only thing to justify the term TGIF. can't wait to see my little brother tomorrow.

back against the wall, crouched. bring it on.

a quick entry before i hit the sack.


again the stupidity factor kicked in. ugh. why does this keep happening to me?! had to see ms tan and ms ng about the gpp. and in the end, none of us attended our h1 lectures at all. bully. and for once i wanted ms lee to take us for pe. ms lee!


and liz and i are mean. we have a new best friend to make. and if we make it to kl, oh gosh..


racial harmony day tomorrow. i'm not wearing. just not in the mood. don't bother asking me tomorrow.


imma have a long chat with my closest friend tomorrow.

what did you get yourself into?

i keep asking that question to myself. today was a semi-horrid day compared to last wednesday. because i saw him. but i made an ass of myself and acted like a total retard. boo me.


started the day with history. what good can that be right? ugh. literature tutorial was alright. then as the day went by, it was quite offbeat. soap and shiying made a ruckus during gp and caused 7 classes to complain that we were disruptive. my stick was once again, source for attention in class. lennie showed his floorball prowess. hehe.


on the way to history lecture and saw him. and it was weird that he happened to be sitting at the window. we looked at each other and i did this dumb waving thing that made me look like a retard. ok, everytime i'm around him i feel like a dumb blonde doing that over-exaggerated wave thing. ugh. and history lecture didn't make me feel better. unexpected and unprepared, liz and i were selected to represent our school in the inter-school ASEAN competition. and we didn't even study a thing for it. and of course jacinda chew will be in it. she is the biggest history freak. aah! nur zafirah bte zainal abidin, what on earth did you get yourself into?! the good thing about it is if we win, we get to go to kuala lumpur for the regionals. oh wells. i better be paid good money for this.


after history lecture saw him and did that bimbotic wave again. but chatted with him and complained about having to go for the history thing. and he held my stick for 30 seconds. isn't he just nice? and i keep making an ass out of myself near him. zafirah!! what telah happen?! so anyway.


had to lug daniel's floorball stick to training. had mixed training. and mixed games. shall not say further. (((: but at least it made me feel better. but i had to lug two sticks home. ))))):

shimmy shimmy here and there

3 days of volunteering does things to your head sometimes. hehe. yesterday was a matinee show. but had to go to arts house to be briefed for this saturday's workshop. arts house is nice. very lurve-ly. plus the fact it's beside acm makes it perfect if i get bored i just run there and look at the stuff. ooh. one of the staff found a kitten a few days ago and actually had to bring it to work. i heard the cutie crying. so loud lah. had diarrhoea apparently. anywhere sauntering here and there was nice. and noorlinah has cats at home apparently. sweet. kind of obvious since her bag has a cat on it. tee hee.


after that noorlinah and i went back to esplanade in her black volvo suv. it is huge and she is such a tiny lady at the fact. so anyway. had to borrow a pass with the name of michelle lim to get backstage to have lunch. then went back out of the recital studio to get ready for front of house. met tina, a very cool angmoh lady who is so asian-ised. haha. speaking cantonese and malay and chinese. cool ain't she? had to lug i don't know how many cartons of the SHINE water. first to tina's car, then wendy's. tee hees.


2.30 was when it was starting to get really packed and i braced myself to give out the bills and programmes and whatnot. yesterday was ang mo kio secondary watching the performance. while giving out the programmes suddenly someone said aloud,"Zafirah?!" i looked up and guess who i saw? my little brother, danial. darn it he was so shocked to see me there. haha. this is how our jumbled conversation went:


D - what are you doing here?
M - me?! what about you?!
D - what are you doing here?
M - volunteering for this lah. you think i'm working for them is it? i'm not being paid for this you know.
D - (points to a girl beside him) eh, we got no connection right? no connection.
M - what no connection? you just called my name. (points to pass) eh, no. my name michelle lim lah. can't you see? michelle.
D - okay. hi, michelle.
M - MICHELLE. ok?
some boys - danial mengada-ngada. (teasing continues while i disappear from the crowd)


to michelle lim who's supposed to do what i'm supposed to, i'm sorry for temporarily stealing your identity. (((: my little brother is so darn cute. and so tall. only 14. so, while the show went on, tina, wendy and myself were juggling (ok, only them. i watched) and i taught them how to play sudoku. funny. then set up the water for the audience members. and the little brother was embarrassed to see me again. it's alright love. and we are evil people planning for something big.


no school today so had tuition in the morning. and collected my spectacles. prettypretty.

hello, kitty

i like faster kill pussycat by oakenfold. brittany murphy has such a great voice. didn't really expect her to do so. so anyway, today was flag day. initially, i was supposed to do ymca's care to dance. but this came up. seriously, if i could choose, i'd rather care to dance. at least community service in good fun.


anyway, went to jurong point. i don't know what's the deal with singaporeans. please do not give us a look that is condescending and we did something wrong. we did not. if you feel unhappy about welfare/non-government organisations asking for your money after the whole NKF/ TT Durai saga, please, take it up with the organisation. students are not the ones you should be resentful towards, we are not the ones running the organisation asking for donations. we are merely volunteers collecting funds from the public. it's not as if we are willing participants either. some of us feel we have better things to utilise our saturday mornings. (like my care to dance?) so please, spare students/volunteers on flag days because it's demeaning enough you do not donate, but when you go to the extent of giving dirty looks, it really hurts. we sacrificed time for this, the least decent thing you could do is just give us a signal, it'd be much appreciated. and i was just pissed when a mother actually discouraged her son when he wanted to dig for coins to donate. you think i don't understand even though you spoke in chinese? please, i can get the gist of what people say, even if it's chinese. even 50 cents you are so adamant. and you know what's the worst part of today? i was standing on an ankle that flared up again, i had a blister on the back of my ankle and my spine was hurting.


i'm so ashamed of singaporeans these days. and oh don't give me the 'i'm late i have to rush' excuse when 5 minutes later i see you standing waiting for someone. bugger off. and to the adolescent boys who think it's a dare to donate, just two words, GROW UP! damn. i've never been this pissed over a flag day before.

happy 50th post..

superbly wrong today. got scolded teacher after teacher after teacher. all 3 males. i'm just not into it. with 4 hours of sleep, i'm not inclined to be happy today.


apologies to daniel (tan) again for being frigging late. but blame the other passengers on the 985 bus and smrt for stopping the train for 5 whole minutes. arse. so we were spared SSS today. we might not be so lucky next time i suppose. sob.


but celebrate drama was nice. was just being silly and slack this time. met claire and ayu. claire is simply cute despite being at ntu. we were quite bored out of our minds so, together with fanny, attempted to play twister on this advertisement on the floor outside the theatre studio. no doubt that we attracted the attention of the esplanade staff. it was just so funny and really being cuckoo.


the last samurai is on and my boobs are being squashed at the moment. that's all i've got.

in seventeen years

an update before i get to doing my history assignment which i unsuccessfully managed to get an extension on. fug you.


just feeling painful today. i don't really know why. maybe because things didn't go my way today. apologies to daniel (tan) again for being such a grumpy frump today. let's just say i had intuition that today was going to be shite for me. and my intuition served me right. i have to read a cerpen and write a summary about it. oh hell. i hate doing these kind of things. and i sort of almost blew up at mahmood today. if i did maybe he'd see how swamped and stressed out i am at the moment and give me the damn extension. fug. was really a down day for me. was near tears after pccg/lunch and evening maths lecture. today is such a dip from yesterday. the roller coaster. oh how i hate thee


baizura injured my specs. they're fine now after a visit to the optometrist. getting new specs. plastic half-framed ones. black colour. let's say volleyball is not my forte, unless you put me in front. but i'm starting to like ms lee, even if she mixes mine and baizura's name to come up with zubaidah, or she calls other versions that she can try to think up of my name. that's it. i suck being a defender, except floorball. and the ankle is flaring up again. i'm at a loss. sigh. if the pain persists it's off to dr ong.


i don't know whether i'm regaining the confidence i once had. the return of the super genius tutor may make or break who i can be. please let me succeed like you did the last time and prove that it's not luck. if i had tuition today i'd probably just have a break down in front of my tutor.but i did get my melt down today. shan't talk about it here. argh.


fug mahmood. if tomorrow everyone hands in assignment i-don't-know-what-number and he lectures me about everyone being able to manage their time blahblahblah i'll probably just roll my eyes and probably tell him off for not knowing how it feels like to have so much shit going on because your project work gpp isn't even done yet and that i've got a throbbing headache these days and the darned feeling of the flu is looming precariously. why couldn't it come sooner?


long post. please make me happy dscy. because i've got nothing else to live for.

zafirah is a happy creature..

beacause
1) malay a level oral is over and done with. (((((: i don't quite care that i'm screwed. it's over. don't dwell on it


2) someone unexpected walked me to school in the rain and saved me by offering to share his umbrella. ((((((((((: thanks my dear. (ok he's not really my dear but i now wish he were.) and lifted my mood because i was really low after a slight argument between me and daniel. so we walked, and chatted and almost got lost because he didn't know how to walk through the blocks. it was just such a nice way to start the day that i forgot how the rest of today went.


you may just convert me into loving your team. but i'll remain loyal to jurgen klinsman's men. because they've got the golden boot. (((((((:

for that someone i'm still waiting for

this waiting game is getting old. i keep telling myself you're not worth waiting for because i really want to move on and hope that what i'm feeling for him is real, and not just to distract myself from you. but a bigger part of me is telling me to hold on to the memories of you and that you'll come through and that i'll get my fairytale ending because i really deserve it.


oh wells. no more late night posts. tuition from tomorrow. no more late night chats with dear danial.


"Chasing Cars"


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone


If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough


If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life


Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own


If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life


All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see


I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all


If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

booo...

you know what? i'm feeling rock bottom today. it's an after-effect of starbucks these days, i feel. i think the caffeine makes me irritable. ugh. i'm supposed to e-mail the gpp to liz. maybe after this entry. enough about the shitty-ness of today despite the fact i'd went shopping.


yesterday was better i suppose. went to mac at woodland civic centre for pw meeting. i don't know why but we're becoming more productive. loll. met my mom, fetched my dad and we went to zam zam restaurant at masjid sultan there for lunch. went home, prayed then got ready to leave again for the celebrate drama briefing.


the noorlinah lady is really nice. there were 4 of us- june, shi han, hui joo and myself. and she belanja-ed us at haagen-dazs ice cream and, can you believe it, chocolate fondue?! omg. and she paid for everything. i swear i never want to disappoint her at all. that was the first and most probably last time i get to try fondue. she wouldn't let us have the ice cream fondue so she made the waiter change it to fruits. who cares? everything tastes great with chocolate. so she brought us through the entire programme, what we're supposed to do blahblahblah. then we're also going to do the arts house one also. yippee.. for disadvantaged kiddies. and we can take part. and watch the screenings. the perk of being a volunteer for sdea. and we can take part in another workshop for free too. cool. noorlinah is superly the coolest person i know.


on the way home stopped by hmv hoping for a cool pick to get or maybe get a copy of nme because it only costs $8.95. then guess what i saw?


yup. and it cost $7.95. therefore, i had to buy it. since it's all about them franz boys. but they mixed up paul and nick in the photo commentary. sad. but it's a nice book sort of like a biography from the start to the release of their second album. call me a franz freak. thank you. it's no longer whether do you want to for me. it's i got to have it. i'm proud of my cheap 1st-hand book deal i got. smilesz.

fullscap vultures..

wrote a poem because i was pissed my fullscap was diminishing quickly during mother tongue.


fullscap vultures


they lie slowly, in wait
Those darned fullscap vultures
slowly circling and eyeing surroundings
Preparing to feed off others


They know who to target next
Those vile fullscap vultures
Still circling and moving about
With the turned back of the teacher


Lo and behold, she digs into her bag
Unaware, the foul fullscap vultures
The white flashes out, they easily swoop in
And she's all out of fullscap paper.


the burst of inspiration is beautiful during boring lectures..

how do i explain?

how am i supposed to explain this fuzzy feeling i have? it's hard. i'm trying to open up to someone i think i really like but the thoughts of him keep pulling me back and make me shut myself against him. i don't want the past around me anymore. it's too hard.


how do i react to words that have been thoughtfully said? do i just discard them from memory and not let them get to me? do i just don't care about his feelings? we may not be compatible, but how do i figure it out when i've got mixed signals given out at me. i don't intend to hurt anyone, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart. the intentions are sweet, but now i keep pondering over the entire conversation. i don't want to hurt you, i don't want to jeopardise our friendship. may we never be more than friends. because you're special to me. not in that way.


don't give me mixed signals, they're confusing me.

sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to

i'm really exhausted tonight. there's the singapore idol get-to-know the contestants that's just finished. really tired after the ocs visit.


it was quite fun in the end, if i think about all the activities that my class won and we practically beat the other class till the end. small like chilli padi but don't mess with us. all the girls were like totally gaga-ed over our guides, especially mr commando. he's cute, seriously.


the funniest game was definitely the one where we had to clean up and make the bunk really really nice, like the model. soap panicking was really cute and funny. but we won. haha. my class kept winning, we weren't giving the other class a chance to beat us. i did get my picture with mr commando and mr infantry. they're really adorable. despite the fact one is i think 21 and the other 18.

the target thing you shoot at

big guns

the pretty thing at the cadet officers' air-conditioned mess hall

the commando, the innovian, the infantry officer. i told you they're cute. (((:

something old something new

oh hell.. new gp teacher. she's kind of straight-laced. and treats us like secondary school kiddies.
bully. got my malay paper back. did quite okay. haha. passed. smiles


and i lost 3kg already. from 61.1kg to 58.7kg. whoopies. i'm lighter than baizura? no offence babe, you're gorgeous in your own right love. haha. feeling very skinny and all. going ocs tomorrow. 1/2 day. still got history tutorial though. bites.


short entry. being unintentionally interested in someone. love? infatuation? or just to get someone else off my mind?

y-camp over.. sleep...

i'm supposed to sleep... haha.. y-camp... fun? okay lah.. my beneficiary wasn't the let's get up and go kind. needless to say, people's antics are fun to watch. of course the other volunteers kept wondering how i managed to survive with the fact that my beneficiary is one of the hardest to look after. so i'll just show pictures i took with my trusty cam-phone. (((:

back row from left: marc, vanessa, qin lei me. front row: jacq and fortuna

my pretty boy danial with his lovely plastic tiara

the boy who saved me by trying to control two boys at the same time and convincing me to bathe. thanks a million yi liang!