trials and tribulations

2007-02-28T21:26:00.000+08:00

shelly wants to try to taupok me now. i do not have size b boobs!

i still feel like crap. what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

2007-02-27T21:18:00.000+08:00

every two minutes i check my handphone hoping that an sms/call will appear.

you can have it all

2007-02-25T11:38:00.001+08:00

oh listen to the radio, here's something that you already know. i ain't got no radio.

i have been explicitly behind my work these days. especially history. i don't feel like telling teachers about smun. because i do not want people to think i am getting preferential treatment because of my external activities outside class. it's unfair. and well, i should manage my time well. yes.

i want to save money for my camera next month. but school is seriously sucking up my money. and i have not received my $100+ from council for the stuff that i bought for orientation. i don't mind the nitty gritty but i want at least the $60 odd for the art supplies i bought from art friend. this is slow. :(

i want that bag, those shoes the book those cameras. i want so many things. :( but i want one thing the most. and that person knows what that thing i want most.

cheerleader nation is cool. because they play indie/electronica songs in the background. i want the klaxons. they're cool too. *thank god i'm not a cheerleader*

you can have it all

2007-02-25T11:38:00.000+08:00

get high get wasted get laid.

2007-02-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

i have been a very mean girl. :(

now why'd you want to go and put stars in their eyes?

2007-02-22T22:50:00.001+08:00

i was drenched walking to the mrt station. really. it was as though i didn't use my umbrella. my shoes flooded so badly i could squeeze water out of my socks. yuck. so now i'm drying my bag, shoes umbrella. boo.

chitra told us something about cedar girls. ssh. haha. and i want to be a sound effect technician or a colour specialist. what odd jobs. :)

i love you so.

now why'd you want to go and put stars in their eyes?

2007-02-22T22:50:00.000+08:00

2007-02-21T20:39:00.000+08:00

what you said last time i could tolerate. but this is too much. it's times like these i wonder where i'll get the strength to carry on. O God, stop testing me this way. all i want is just to live in this world without this kind of people haunting me. i don't want to lose someone i love because of these kind of rumours.

right now, i need all the support i can get from people who care. sometimes i want to bury my head deep deep deep down into the ground just so i do not have to hear these words being spoken over and over and over again. :(

on a lighter note: guess what i found yesterday? guess, guess. ask me.

oh no.

2007-02-20T11:16:00.000+08:00

my maid (looks at my class photo) : you look like a boy.

thanks. can everybody get off my case?

you don't know me, you don't wear my chains

2007-02-18T17:35:00.000+08:00

i feel lost today. i have 4 essays to finish by this week. literature essay and IH test corrections by wednesday. and two history essays by friday. boobloodyboo. i'm sad. so sad.

me: you called?
him: mm hmm.
me: why did you call?
him: mmm.
me: why did you call?
him: huh? i missed you.

guess who? haha!! sweetie pie.

now i want to go out to study. because there'll be no one around town and all the shops are closed. my sinusitis is getting worse. worse. worse. i have an inkling that i regret coming to jc. now i want to go to arts school. if i can't go to university next year, forget private university. la salle, here i come!

the laugh is both a major and a minor key

2007-02-17T18:32:00.001+08:00

tralalala. hello samantha. you have been missed really really badly too. our best speaker. :)

went on a personal flag day. don't ask. i was so sleepy i fell asleep the moment i got home. i feel sort of sad. because someone told me he was almost knocked down by a van yesterday while riding his bike. made me think of the time i almost got hit by a car, had i taken one more step.

the laugh is both a major and a minor key

2007-02-17T18:32:00.000+08:00

2007-02-16T17:44:00.000+08:00

watching 'The Arena' makes me miss debate! all the days pondering in airconditioned rooms coming up with arguments and whatnot. and endless $1 fries which were enough to feed an entire barrack of army officers. :) where have those days gone? being a debater made us feel like elites. but it was one of those things. haha.

school sucked. imagine only 2 lessons and we ended school later than we would normally do on fridays. they made us sit in the hall from 1145 to 1230 for a short 10minute assembly showing 2 videos which were in Chinese. *grumble grumble*

ate at seoul garden with my sister then we walked around causeway point. ok. that's all. ooh. met jonathan brother while queuing up for 963. we talked for a while. many more days to simun. :)

it finally rained. very heavily. lightning was striking nonstop near my house. like directly outside.

you are the dancing queen, feel the beat of the tambourine

2007-02-15T19:00:00.000+08:00

my arms are muscular now. doing millions of pushups and pull-ups for every pe lesson. and that bridge thing i don't mind so much except the fact my whole body quivers whenever i do it. i wonder how our future juniors are going to handle innova jc's pe after the jae. and future innovians too. at least they know they'll leave the school with toned and muscular bodies. :)

meo bloonasir

2007-02-13T21:14:00.000+08:00

i am in love with Sigur Ros' 'Takk...' It just lets me unwind at the end of the day. I can take a whole trip home and I'm only halfway through the album. Considering that one song can take up to 10 minutes. It makes me happy and high. And makes me think of someone. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, especially to all well-wishers. (:

And I feel bad for making Mr Chin mad. But what he said was true. ):
And thanks to Mr Yeo for lifting up my spirits. I suppose I need that grip to reach for that higher rung. Maybe a bit of parkour should help me do it too. :) But thanks.

And Happy Valentine's Day to Jonathan brother. Takk... for being the first to wish me so. (:

glosoli

2007-02-12T19:57:00.000+08:00

takk to my brother for getting me sigur ros' album. really in the nick of time. i really need the soothing music to calm my nerves and just let me unwind after the day ends. especially these few days. i suppose i have to grit through my resolution and not procrastinate further. thanks to these people so far for the birthday wishes:

- Jonathan brother :))
- Danial :))
- Yanni dearest :))
- Atikah Syarah :)
- Afiqah :)
- Amaluna :)
- Daniel Tan :)
- Michelle :)
- Rauf
- Ridzwan
- Akbar
- Madhiah :)
- Aaron :)
- Jayne :)
- Fanny
- Lyanna
- the entire Sinar Fusika gang. :)

thank you nice people. i want a holga camera. or the ones at peninsula. they're really cool. and i bet i can take cooler pictures with them. or a DSLR will do. the antique ones will do fine and dandy. but i don't mind a holga or a polaroid.

stay with me, as i'm getting naked

2007-02-11T20:33:00.000+08:00

i'm too frustrated for words. what a great day to end the final hours of being seventeen. happy fucking birthday to me tomorrow.

i@fun

2007-02-11T10:28:00.000+08:00

i@fun was a success. but now i've found a new reason to despise and hate yanghao. go screw yourself boy. thanks for coming and having fun. it made my day. i'll see you later. and happy birthday to me tomorrow.

as i sit in my dark corner

2007-02-09T21:29:00.000+08:00

thanks for the company. and tracy still makes me go whoa! haha. don't ask.

i@Fun tomorrow. people, please come. good games, good fun, good time! come help find Charlotte as we try to keep catch the insects for her. and nas, i can't wait to see you!!! yay. i am a happy girl. and i'm turning legal in three days. haha. no, i am not the type who goes clubbing and all that shit. it's not my cup of tea. iJC's jam & hop nite was enough to make me feel freaked out because someone grabbed me. boo.

say it right

2007-02-03T08:38:00.000+08:00

i think major arguments are alright. hm. it feels weird to meet someone whom you were arguing with less than 24 hours ago. i could not be bothered though. i miss that person a lot. i am sorry. i feel lost. sometimes i get the feeling, i want to walk in the rain. take a long stroll in the rain, get drenched. it clears my mind. but i get the flu after that. boohoo.

short one then. maybe when i have the mood later.

later.

i know you said to me, i look at the same time

2007-02-02T17:49:00.000+08:00

i like not having school on a weekday. (:

so i went to national library to study because most mortals would be in school. so it was relatively peaceful, empty and quiet. (: plus the machine has great sandwiches that can fill up those empty stomaches and sluggish brains. yummy. after that walked to the mcdonald's beside bras basah complex because it's quiet there too. at lunchtime, the place was still less than half filled. and most of the people who were there were office workers. (:

after that i walked to raffles city to take the train to jurong east to make my ez-link card. i look very stoned and emo in my photo. (:

tomorrow, tomorrow
i can't wait for tomorrow.

for the good times and the bad times we know will come

2007-02-01T19:13:00.000+08:00

today i went to the pasar malam to buy those japanese balls thing because i was hungry. very hungry. it made me retch after that. i'll stick to the japanese pizza. i like salmon. i don't know why. my mum doesn't like the taste of it. i can take it. but not with wasabi and soy sauce. or i'd have a diarrhoea episode like i did in kl. speaking of kl, my money has been finally accredited to my account. yay.

the indian muslim stall is experiencing underproducing. plus chinese buy from the stall too. people please. spare a thought for us muslims who only have ONE stall to buy from whereas you have the whole canteen to choose from.

today, no one was spared from zafirah's bitching wrath. especially girls from that particular class. especially that cedar girl who gives me the impression that she thinks of herself as some bigshot. i mean, she looks at everyone and everything as though it were filth. and has that face that says,' what am i doing in this low-class school?' i think you only have yourself to blame. you couldn't make it anywhere better so be grateful you were even posted. and she wore another girl's uniform. one of the girls schools with pinafore and belt. not the convent school. she looked pregnant and i just HAD to say it out loud when she walked past me. i don't know why i did that. and also the other one who acts pretty. i think the whole gang thinks they're pretty and cute. my ass is cuter.

i do not naturally hate people. even though i give the impression that i can bite. and i have nothing against students from all-girls schools. but this is too much. seriously. i hate people who act all high and mighty and stick in a click just because they're from SAP school. please. if you were from SAP school, you wouldn't be in innova. am i right or am i right?

reach forward, bend backward

2007-01-30T21:18:00.000+08:00

yes, i promise i will study with you this weekend. i promise i promise.

some teachers just know how to get on my nerves. especially on that one who seems to be doubting my abilities. I'll show him. I'll get a fucking A for GP. then we'll see who has the last laugh. the new indian muslim stall in school sells awesome briyanni. hehe.

if your love letters are a bit smashed, blame the bus driver. i fell down in the bus.

thanks for the company. :) sweet.

and if you leave me, you leave me broken shattered i lie

2007-01-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

i miss feeling high. thanks for the surprise yesterday. it made me feel good about the day.

mr paul chow is a weird man. don't ask me why. he was picking on marcus and 10 minutes later, he asked,' by the way, there was a boy named marcus in this class, right?' and we all started laughing like idiots. thanks ah.

make me smile and squint my eyes in the bright sun. and laugh until i'm breathless. hug you till my arms are tired. run till you finally catch me.

i'm just a shot, then we can die.

clap your hands say yeah!

2007-01-24T17:11:00.000+08:00

i need to run long distance more. but then my ankle would be in agony. pishposh.

i miss someone really really badly. and to you: thanks for understanding what happened eons of years ago. and for patiently waiting for me to forget that guy.

i want to play handball. i miss handball. can all ex bbss-ians come together for a handball tournament? or can innova start teaching handball? i miss handball.

i dare you to tell me to walk on fire

2007-01-21T17:39:00.000+08:00

would you? i love badly drawn boy. i think the songs are nice. and the videos are quirky. and i love goose. british mode is cool. especially that 3d thing.

talking to him was relieving. because i realised that there are a lot of pentup frustrations that were bothering me. and a lot of questions. but he seemed to be able to ease them out. i don't know how. i don't care. thanks a million hun.you're the greatest. i'll miss the conversations ok?

dear ms hilton,

2007-01-20T21:20:00.000+08:00

i don't think you can ever have the best guy in the world. hawhawhaw. so good luck ms hilton, looking for the next best guy. (cue: evil laughter)

someone thinks that i'm rich and spoilt. i am not spoilt. i do know how to use an ez-link card. i do not expect to be chaffeured everywhere i go. actually, i prefer to travel on my own using the public transport system, even if i'm a bit selengeh sometimes with it. so bear with me. just because my parents have steady jobs, i am not rich. just because everythingin my life is paid for, i am not spoilt. i do not demand my expectations to be met. just because i'm willing to lend that person $15. seriously, i don't care about the money. you need the books. so just take the money and not worry about your education! if i've lent one friend $170 to buy a graphing calculator (which is a hell waste of money) it's really no big deal. even if you don't pay me back, i don't mind. unless you want to get punished by your teachers. accept the money! please. for both our sakes. sigh.

i hate arguing. so let's not argue anymore. it's killing me. world, say hello to the political delegate from pakistan for singapore model united nations. jonathan brother will be germany. we are meant to meet at any event that has to do with history. hahahaha!

shaky hands, butter fingers

2007-01-17T19:47:00.001+08:00

coming back to school after a drug-filled break, is, well, enough to make me have withdrawal symptoms. i spent the day nursing shivering hands are wobbly feet. not good zafirah. i'm losing control. talked to an old friend. and we're ok. after so many little arguments over stupid insignificant things. we got our emotions out of the question. because friendships involving emotions are high-strung and tend to end badly for me. for both parties. that's that.

i'm becoming more and more in love with floorball now. because of the fact that we have many j1's who have joined. what's more touching is that there are girls from the class that i became ogl of. (go o732a!) lovely. spotted little brother once last week. and found out that we are both selected for this year's singapore model united nations. (SiMUN) haha. i think it's fated for the both of us to join anything that is history-related. hope to have fun with you little brother. it's been a long time sinced i contacted him. i wonder how the new mi campus is working for him. i can type very fast.

for once, i did something right. for once, i don't feel like a failure. even with a crappy essay, zafirah has miraculously managed to get a band 1 for her history international history essay. if you don't know what it constitutes, let me read the band descriptor:

- must be relevant to the subject
- consistently analytical, not narrative
- facts support the analysis
- well linked.

claps for me! haha. i'm being so lost today. even my closest friend noticed that i was not myself and beyond help when he chatted with me today. lost. empty.

goodnight. goodnight

shaky hands, butter fingers

2007-01-17T19:47:00.000+08:00

not for the faint-hearted.

2007-01-02T10:15:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I updated. The blog is dead. But who cares. I'm writing this to please myself. Being friends with Yanni does have its good points. I tend to be numb to people's criticism and negative remarks and retorts. You say all those things. Maybe it's because you don't know me well enough to figure me out. You can write and entire hate entry about me. You can announce to the world all my bad traits. I couldn't give a damn. But before you get all high and mighty about me, take a long look in the mirror and realise that you're not a saint yourself either. So don't be self-righteous and use me as an epitome of all the evil in the world. The worst part is that you had to bring him into the picture. I don't need your opinion about how he looks. Because you don't even know us. You don't even know my personality. You don't even know the first thing about me that will help you survive one day with me. So shut up. I know. My blog, my views. Your blog, your views. But let me remind, little missy, you're the most shallow thing that ever walked the earth.

what a way to start the new year. thank you. School starts tomorrow then. cheers.

issues

2006-12-20T09:40:00.000+08:00

sleeping at 2-3am has its toll on one's body. this is bad. all the training from doing project work is immensely useful for late night mtv marathons. lalala. ignore me if you wish. i'm high on lack of sleep. which is great sometimes. helps with the irreverent attitude i may exude sometimes in the morning. i am a morning person though. i am not cranky without a cup of java in my body. i just need time to warm up to the day. not having a long fringe sucks when i need to look totally dead in the morning and i do not want to be disturbed yet. now, even though my brain is asleep, i look really awake. short fringe=looking bright and perky. long fringe=irreverence and devil-may-care attitude. i miss those days people thought of me as a bitch just because i rolled my eyes at them and all that jazz.

i'm sorry, that was my body typing with my brain still asleep on 5 hours of sleep. thank you for reading my ramblings.

quiet contemplation

2006-12-17T21:41:00.000+08:00

someone makes me very happy. i don't ever think about what i want to do with that person. i just have to let my instincts go with the flow. i like not using my mind when i'm with that person. it makes me feel alive sometimes. i am officially in love with the buzzcocks.

and honeypoo is so sweet! he promised to get me two books, one for my birthday, one for vday. he promised me alex kapranos' soundbites and tim burton's oyster boy! on one condition, i get him my chemical romance's the black parade. and also their first-est album - i gave you my bullets, you gave me your love. sweet-o.

love.

why don't you play the game?

2006-12-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

and a big shoutout to nokia for making me re-discover my love for daft punk's digital love. i forgot how much i loved that song when i was 13, trying to fit into a new environment. memories are meant to last. some of them.

woo-hoo. accidentally got internet. should i tell my brother?

yes! yes! yes!

underneath it all

2006-12-11T12:35:00.000+08:00

you stare into my eyes, the intensity is just too great for me. you're the one causing me to go weak in the knees, but you catch me in time before i fall.

at long last

2006-12-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

it's been 20839571043767483025 years since i got to type. yippee. the wireless must see the mood first then can work. wah! thank god it was ok for quite a while and i got to check my email. and guess what? i only found out today that there's an ogl meeting tomorrow! yikes. thank god i got to check today otherwise i'm a screwed potato. rah!

there's still so much to do. yikes.

to the 200th post...

2006-12-01T09:42:00.000+08:00

wow.. 200 posts already. fun.

yesterday was someone's 14th birthday. and he's nearly as tall as me. can imagine what a tall pole he'll be this time next year. :)

hope you liked the present sweetie.

i'm sorry if i don't update this blog often. it's too public.

soma tablets make me high

2006-11-29T11:20:00.000+08:00

finally. internet. at sim right now doing this because the internet is still wonky and there's and electrical outage at home. poo. this is depressing. going to bugis street later to get stuffs. tralala.

you always know the right buttons to push.

finally

2006-11-26T22:51:00.000+08:00

my internet connection has been screwing with me for the past few days. finally it's ok. whee.

who do you think you are? you are nothing in my life.

combination for disaster

2006-11-24T17:42:00.000+08:00

bad shit.

1) no breakfast
2) late for training.
3) ankle re-injury while running laps
4) kasim was taking us
5) shouted by her during games
6) hyperventilation.

pfft.

poo

2006-11-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

running around esplanade. playing catching at toys r us. sitting by the river. fun.

next week will be the end of november. and yet, holiday assigmnents aren't completed. even glanced at. maybe i shouldn't go y-camp. maybe i shouldn't go kl. maybe i shouldn't go out. i should sit down and grit through it now.

yeah, right!

love
-zafirah the procrastinator. :)

he poured blue milk into her ear

2006-11-23T10:31:00.000+08:00

firstly: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAS! tralala. iloveyou honey. and we'll be meeting later. yay!

there was this song on lush 99.5fm. it's really nice. trumpet jazz. and the singer kept repeating this line - and, he poured blue milk into her ear at odd intervals. the song is really nice. but lush has no one speaking so i don't have a clue what that song was. aah!

short one. will update later.

tralala. (edited)

2006-11-22T18:21:00.000+08:00

really bad morning. but googly fun afternoon with people i love most.

this happened this morning in this order:
1) i had to wait 20 minutes for the bus
2) the auntie on the escalator didn't move aside and 'tsked' at me when i tried to catch the train. therefore, by the time i reached the platform, the train doors closed and was leaving the station.
3) my 21-month-old pink creative muvo slim is spoilt. the thing hanged everytime i plugged in my earphone. *grumble grumble*
4) i was late for ogl meeting.
5) and my committee was in trouble with our exco ic.
6) saw idham at imm. ~~*dimwit*~~

but the day got better after i left school:
1) for once, i got to be late in meeting danial.
2) we met :)
3) i convinced him to have lunch with my sister and i
4) long bus ride!
5) lunch with my two favourite people. :))
6) we had fun during lunch. :)))
7) we ran in the rain to the bus stop.
8) we took a cab to creative warehouse at jurong industrial business park.
9) i bought a new mp3 player! lalala. zen neeon 6gb. red colour. :))))
10) took a cab to imm. went to macdonalds where the 3 of us were mulling on our own stuff. danial and i were fiddling with the internet. and laughing non stop. had an online chat on his blog. had fries and ice lemon tea. :)))))
11) laughing at him saying 'hello' at random people. :))))))

(edited)
random: khairul, one of the hockey guys who for some reason remembers my name, said hi. lala. afiq and i just gave each other a look. because it was pretty random for him to make me the subject of discussion with hakim and hafiz. i hate having the same name as someone who is of totally different character than me.

photos from my sister. end reunion tomorrow. happy early birthday nas! yay. (end of edit) lalala. i'm a happy girl now :)

performing monyet

2006-11-20T19:42:00.000+08:00

lalala. had literature/the tempest workshop. fun. dots. at first, was in the same group with dexter. lalala. then went for lunch.

after that, went to lt5 to continue the workshop. aman and shelly performing the scene was so funny. and we had to direct the thing. aman trying to act like a dainty lady was hilarious for nuts. i swear i died laughing. funny.

lalalala. get well soon. me visiting you everyday if you get admitted into hospital is no excuse to not want to get better. hmph.

i'm naked just like a pig

2006-11-19T19:52:00.000+08:00

kenduri at my aunt's shop, since she's closing down. i finally, finally got to carry sofia. and nawfal. but nawfal cried. hasn't warmed up yet. and sofia, even though she was warming up, she was sleepy. so, after me, was my mum, then abang zam. and she fell asleep when abang zam carried her. she is so cute. kak noy came. talked about getting driver's license (bright eyes) next year. race, race!

nawfal. adorable little dumpling.

even from far i was screaming her name. sofia!!! my new favourite.

my mum makes it a ritual to take a photo of us together. people insist we look alike. lala.

to all readers: please give comments on the last photo whether i look like kak noy. i think she's a whole lot prettier than me.

fishsticks! hazwan's brother is hot. and the sister too. good-looking. but i'll be the loyal lover. love. :))

~~roasting in your eyes~~.

it's like a swollen summer

2006-11-18T20:36:00.000+08:00

reunion with little brother! rah! nice. after that went to town. went heeren. met kak noy at hmv. got a very very good deal. seriously. 2 t-shirts for $50?! and one costs $35. got my franz t-shirts. like finally. i'm a happy girl. lalala. wanted to buy sigur ros. but decided against it. maybe next time. but the album cover looks like a notebook cover more than your typical jewel case. kind of like mew's and the glass-handed kites album. whee. a long list of cds to get. rahrahrah.

if you're wondering, it is inverted. not a camera trick. :))

i love lucy. she rocks. shout that name. shout it loud and proud

you just know the right spot. don't ask if i'm alright, just leave me breathless like you always do. just run along with it.

i feel like i'm getting dumber.

stop, drop and roll

2006-11-18T00:55:00.000+08:00

had training. damn tired. forgot how to play floorball. was playing on instincts. for all the matches.

you're on fire

i could slow down if you want me to

2006-11-17T09:38:00.000+08:00

yesterday: breakfast with him and we went our separate ways. me to school, him to chalet. not quite.

you tried your hardest to convince me to join you all the way to pasir ris. pasir ris. from woodlands. dear, i just simply don't like to go to pasir ris. i have my reasons. you don't have to know them yet. and you want me to be around people i don't know. you know i don't like it. you know i'll give you attitude and i'll sulk and i'll make my 'bosan' face. you know you know. but you just chose to ignore. until i stopped talking. stop talking. literally. for the entire two hours. people who know really know me well know that i don't stop talking, even when i have a sore throat and i've lost my voice. for some reason, you have the ability to do so. but still, thanks for accompanying me. even though i made you very late to meet your friends.

just for you, just for you, just for you.

i know what i am

2006-11-15T13:00:00.000+08:00

and, i miss this guy the most-est:

my neighbour, my teammate, my confidant, my partner-in-crime, my best friend. oh, where have the days gone by? rock on amarul. you'll always be in my heart.

photos from raya outing -
at norul's house. i look very cheena. cheena ~~minah~~. right.

at nazmi's house: me, my sis, kak lia and ismail. :)

some bugger opened the van door. so as my sister parked, i snapped. that's xavier by the way.

feeling worn out by the long ride jurong west - hougang.

too bad sofian wasn't in it. but it looked better than when he was. :)

kak marie insisted that these were twisties. :)

we really were at mardan mamat's house. :)

prisoners. punished for stealing kueh from the makcik's house. shame on you

attempting prison break?

oh yeah. more random photos for you people to enjoy. enjoy!

'marcus, why your pants wet? what you do?!'

pointers make good fencing weapons. en garde!

and i'm your villain

as we ride along under an optimistic sun

2006-11-14T17:57:00.000+08:00

went to the dentist. i like the filling that dr foong put into my right side. because it's the new special kind that you can't see. lalala. i seem to like blogger beta more and more and more by the day.

hot date this saturday! yay. shall make plans soon alright? and we can talk crap crap crap. or in our case, some intellectual crap. whee! lovelove. missed you loads this few months. how about lunch by the river? sounds fun. shall propose it to him later. and it's not him him. it's my long-lost friend. :)

i saw daniel saw. (er..) his hair is growing, growing, growing! shall pick up the courage to talk to him soon. good luck for the rest of your papers, my friend. :)

nice mr mahmood fahmi invited us, his lovely history students, to his wedding next sunday. he even showed us the photographs he took with his fiancee. whee. and we saw ms loo's ones. (accidentally, thanks to mr mahmood) 'cher, you had to catch him is it?' 'yah, i did. didn't you see me pulling him?' raah! i love my history teachers. ama's going. whee. i think i'll go with her. bringing my camera. :)

the radio sings that Everybody song by REM

skin deep

2006-11-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

i'm boring you aren't i? you said it, you've never seen me dress up, wear make up, do my hair, wear a dress. a dress. which ~~universe~~ galaxy did you fall from? i don't wear dresses. i simply find it difficult to move in one. i have no occasion to wear one. i do not like dresses. fullstop. period. get it into your head. you want to change me into something i'm not. guess what? i hate it when someone forces me to be something i'm not. because i'll freak. i lost myself once. and you think i'm going to let it go again because you want me to look like other girls? well, i'm NOT other girls. you just don't get it, do you? if you do not like me for how i dress and who i am, then maybe we don't have anything in common then. go ahead, walk away.

hypocrite.

2006-11-13T09:34:00.000+08:00

"why they think i'm like that?"
"because you're cute. no, adorable. you don't like cute, i know"

having breakfast somewhere while i'm typing this. went to school to do the last part of the every-annoying project work. this time it's numbering the pages for the lovely project work markers. ugh. peedoubleu is so annoying. left to submit everything online and that is it. ms tan says we can't get rid of all the pw stuff that is conquering space in our homes and laptops. finally, i can start on my project that has to be complete by 29th november, that's the latest. going to buy paint later. and the canvas another time. :) love.

i'm just a happy kid

2006-11-12T16:55:00.000+08:00

i feel tempted to delete all the project work junk from mr lappie, my soulmate. it's taking up a lot of space. then i'll have more space for songs and photographs. love!

stuck with the heart of a sad punk

tralala

2006-11-12T01:12:00.000+08:00

raya outing with the cc gang. pure madness. especially if md norul ansar is in your van. tralala. and danial afiq decides to join in. wedgies. nine!. love. will post pictures soon. love. :)

i'm missing you

2006-11-10T15:49:00.000+08:00

"why you like that one?"

"because i'm like that lah."

tralala. end of pw. officially. officially. which means. no more frustration. no more arguments. no more crazy tight deadlines. no more delaying outings. no more wrinkles. no more seclusion. no more tears. no more worries. except, for results. poo.

went to school to submit i&r. (now i can finally breathe) i think marcus secretly wants to be a traceur. don't ask why. but if you see him jumping around the school the way he does, i think he's on his way to become a traceur. ah sheesh. i've got dry skin. from all the stress of pw. and i think i'm coming down with the flu soon. poo.

here's to pictures

the nerd in us. even her.

marcus says photographs steal his soul. he's pretty much alive now. and he left his mark everywhere.

on people...

(poor amanda)

... and even school property

~~very good~~ great company indeed. sorry.

i remember in sec 3, cikgu ahmad (even though i really hated him because he was naggy) once played p. ramlee's getaran jiwa and the whole class was actually interested and we were quiet because we really loved that song. of course, it was p. ramlee who sang it. he wrote it. that was the only plus point in sec 3. other than ytutsam (hurhur. it's mastuty) she is a really lovely lady who always tried to cheer us up in sec 3 and told us inspiring stories when we were in sec 4 to make sure we worked hard for o's. like a big sister. (she was only 27 last year) pgl, that peribahasa game that we played to fight like small kids over some childish sweets, dumb bahas. (it was cut along alliances) i remember this time last year, we were cuckoo kids mugging for o's. and freezing in front of the aircon. and yet, we still had time for crushes and conflicts. funny how things change over a year.

that's all. your group mates are always a great source of hugs. it's true. love lots.

listen to nada surf's happy kid and sigur ros' gong. feelgood music.

i should come with my own warning label

2006-11-09T19:46:00.000+08:00

i am sorry that i am an ass whenever we argue. that was not an argument even. that was me getting mad and you trying to figure me out. i'm sorry. i should come with a warning label. so you know me. i admit, when i'm mad, i tend to... clamp up and ignore people and things. i know i shouldn't have left you hanging and calling after me continuously.

i forgive you. now i apologise. i just need time. i don't like telling people why i'm upset or angry. i tend to make people figure out. i'm sorry i made you figure out your mistakes. but that's how i've been. i'm sorry. as i walked, i cried. and i couldn't bring myself to look at you.

i'm so sorry. i want things to be how they used to be between us. at a time when things were simple and when it wasn't complicated.

today was a bad day.

sobre

2006-11-09T09:30:00.000+08:00

screwed.up.bloody.op.bloody.hell.

i really want to watch a movie with him. but pw comes first honey. hope you understand. because the constant arguing is taking its toll on us. it's frustrating. for some reason, we can't seem to let go of each other.

i like hearing your voice when you just wake up. i like the growl. and the squeak. and the murmurs. and the mumble. and the confusion. and the softness. and the exasperation. and the moment when you finally give me a straight answer.

i like confusing you. and annoying you with all the dares. (don't just say you want to do something) and hearing you say,"doooon't" when you get frustrated with me. i like when you squeeze my arm and pull me to you when i fall asleep on the bus. and when you whisper in my ear. and when you rest your head on mine. and when you laugh at me everytime i tell you i'm freezing cold when you tell me that you're warm instead.

i miss trips to toys r us. i miss being chased by you. i miss playing with all the toys and gadgets. and the retractable hand thing that you like to grab me with. it'll poke your eye out one of these days. watch out.

i miss how we used to be.

outsiders

2006-11-08T18:00:00.000+08:00

for some reason, we both feel the same about something. she is, afterall, my closest floorball mate. we somehow clicked the first time we met. and, as they say, the rest is history. for some reason, we feel completely lost without the other during trainings. and for some reason, we're always with each other. same line/team during games and matches, bintan trip together, same relay. and we are the outsiders.

she never fails to cheer me up when i feel down. like yesterday with our spoofs and antics. she has this aura around her that is really powerful. be it her happy aura or her angry aura, she unknowingly gives it out and you can sense it when you meet her. we are outsiders when it comes to company. outspoken, yet introverted. we're weird, abstract thinkers. googlypoo. my sister. outsiders, we are.

he makes me laugh at the end of a bad day. for some reason, he always sms-es when i need cheering up. and he always says the right things. by twist of fate, we're both nerds. N-E-R-D! maybe it's because we're brother and sister. (better than my previous younger brother) we're outsiders, yet we have our own posse which we founded with 28 other students from other ASEAN countries. my solace.

dystopian

2006-11-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

i want to watch this film. when it comes out. if it doesn't show in singapore, i'm going to find the dvd/vcd. it's so cool. it's some sort like the handmaid's tale. because there's infertility due to radiation and those who are fertile are coveted. no, it's not about the men being forced to be pregnant because the women can't. it's about how the protagonist tries to smuggle a woman who's 8 months pregnant somewhere where she'll be safe.

i'll suppress the tears. i'll suppress the frustration. i'll show you the smile, the laughter and the joy that we both need. but i'm not strong enough on my own. the wind is in our hair, the waves are crashing against our feet. we're interlinked in this world. i hope you see it. - love you.

crash

2006-11-07T10:47:00.000+08:00

i've been feeling like i'm crashing and burning a lot this past few days. maybe the stress of oral presentation taking effect and the strain of it all. oh, why does this keep happening to me? maybe i should just leave and forget about guys for a while. then i can set myself straight. i can't keep going around in circles figuring out what i really want. i always seem to doubt you, and i end up doubting myself a lot too this days. because you keep telling me things that confuse me. i'm not like other girls. surely you realised that. i don't dress like them, talk like them, act like them. i make an ass out of myself every other day. the only skirts i own are my school skirts and the ones for asean quiz. i detest wearing high heels and i'd rather be seen in sneakers and jeans. you know that don't you? but i get the feeling you don't like me because of who i am. and i'm fine with it. i'd rather be hated for who i am than loved for someone i'm not. i don't even know if you're sincere. because if you aren't, then stop playing games with me. you don't realise the consequences of your actions sometimes and how, in the end, they end up hurting me too. you think being rebellious with them hurts only them. but the consequences end up pushing me away. i've been pushed till the end. maybe it's better if we're not.

~~maybe~~ it's better if i keep on waiting for that person to return.

it's always better on holiday
so much better on holiday
that's why we only work
when we need the money

my desperate cry for help. in serious need of girlfriends.

doodly dee

2006-11-06T13:07:00.001+08:00

i'm sitting in school with a bunch of people listening to amanda lee telling us about her tooth extraction and the rubber bands. :))) love.

evil carebear: i ~~pray~~ know that you'll be fine. because you shouldn't be so affected by something so small. even though it's not what you wanted, you'll survive no matter what. because you know i'll always be behind you all the way. even if it's art, or literature, or whatever, you'll definitely succeed. you just have to let your creativity shine through. i want to see your lovely smile and play with your fauxhawk and attempt to flatten it. because as your mummy once said, you'll be a popular person. and watch you try to humour me when i feel down. i know you need cheering up right now. i'll always be by your side, every step of the way. (even when you're scared) and i'll comfort you and even sacrifice my sleep when you need me.

2006-11-05T12:55:00.000+08:00

"you look better with your hair tied... but i prefer when you don't"

"why?"

"don't know... just..."

some conversations don't need further continuation. i like things simple. i like it when we're quiet. i prefer not talking sometimes. and we just sit and stare at the outside world while we look safely from the inside. and you know i like the most comfortable spot.

watched high school musical. and half of v for vendetta. can you imagine? i watched it on the fifth of november, which is today. :) coincidence. i love my brother. he bought both stories. whee.

i am going to take a nap now. feeling really tired and had lack of sleep.

darn diddly

2006-11-04T23:18:00.000+08:00

meet my darn diddly cuties: (sorry dear, they're so much cuter than you. you're a pretty boy. :)

her name is sofia. she's about a year old. she looks like my mummy when she was young. (veerry young) and she needs time to warm up to you. she can say 'aper tu?' when you ask her that question. even though she has a pouty face, she'll light up when you make a face with big eyes and a huge smile. she likey likey touch electronic gadgets like handphones and digital cameras. she will end up like her makcik liyana and makcik zafirah and pakcik farihin who all love electronic gadgets and have an endless fascination with these things. :)

his name is naufal. he just turned 2 years old. he can run around now. he doesn't speak that much but he can say 'bird' and 'tengok'. even though shy at first, once he warms up to you, he's an endless chatterbox and can be very cheeky at times. he doesn't mind the attention and can be very rough with objects such as my madagascar penguin and my other stuffed toys. he may be prone to throwing things at you and trying to grab stuff from you. he likes posing for photographs and has cute poses when you show him the camera. he likey likey puffy faces and will attempt to deflate such faces and will burst into a fit of giggles when he tries to poke puffed up cheeks. he likey likey my handphone because it takes nice photographs of him (like this one. plus has goood quality for a phone) he also likes the photographs of babies inside especially the one i'll show you next. :))

and say heello! to my grandnephew yazid. he's about 3 months old. this adorably round fellow is all giggles and cherub chubbiness. he likey likey to smile from afar and laugh at you, but doesn't take to strangers carrying him. he is as round and chubby as my madagascar penguin. (i hate this comparison, but they're both so so cute and round like each other.) you can definitely fall in love with him the moment you set eyes on him. he likes to laugh and likes the attention given to him. he doesn't mind silly faces and likey likey them the most. he can laugh about absolutely nothing and has a certain inexplicable fascination with watching my mummy as she speaks. but watch out. you can only admire him from afar, because he's like a warning system when you get too near or try to carry him. he makes me so tempted to pinch his chubby cheeks and talk baby talk with him. :)))

my darlings. cute right? but you're still the one for mee. and you look cute when you pout too.

misses and hits

2006-11-04T16:04:00.000+08:00

i miss the camps during march holidays when all the uniformed groups and band would have camp at the same time. it was hyper mad. and remember we were so pissed we couldn't join in the campfire in sec 2. rehearsing for syf late into the night while the other uniformed groups were enjoying themselves. and having to go through late night fire drill. and have the day i/c scream at us. funny as ever. she didn't even give dressing and she want to do head count. then scold us for her own mistake. then finding out that syf had to be postponed till july (3 months of added band hell) crying over the stupid sars pandemic because it made my life miserable. (they gave us a month's worth of homework on the last day of the holiday. shitass) i'm digressing.

i miss the band camps. except last year when some people went absolutely power-crazy. i miss night walk. we only had for two years. and then the police came and spoiled our fun. googlypoo. i remember mathangi getting scared, and pulled farhana and i so hard that all 3 of us fell down on our asses. and she started crying hysterically after ibnu scared the nincompoops out of her. i miss patrol duty. walking around and telling people to go and sleep. ('go sleep, please. don't get yourself and me in to trouble with the teachers and the seniors. especially ______') i miss last year we all brought our homework to do during camp and we eventually completed it at 2am. and having bird, zz, kuny and some others to accompany us as we did. raah! we studied, they tai t-ed. rhymes.

i miss being the chief cadet band ic. i miss my juniors who always tried to joke and negotiate breaks with me. ('five more minutes can? very tired lah, ma'am. please?' and 'ma'am, why your face very fierce? can don't make us run?') i miss charleston, who accompanied me on a burping competition while i tried to relieve gastric pains on the flight from brisbane to new zealand. i miss being able to fend for myself against the big 4, and never giving in. i hated certain people who made it look as though i was unable to hold my position. get a life. you have your post, i have mine. don't even try to spread your power into my territory. there were consequences. there were clashes. it's still an unresolved conflict till now.

i miss the bitching clique. sitting at the table where we always did for recess whenever we didn't feel like going down to the canteen. and talk nonstop. nadia's latest story about some mundane adventure in which she would exaggerate, nasirah's never-ending quest to lose weight and her obsession with her fat arms. (or so she claims) yan and i laughing at their stories and always making some sarcastic comment or something funny. or not, make fun of nasirah's conquests. (the president of the fatty arm association!) our insane obsession with older guys, and sometimes younger. (nicholas the debator. still so adorably good-looking till now. sorry dear.) but the inability to get a boyfriend. running away scared like diapers from that insanely-HUGE guy who always bugged me if he spotted me. (shudders) yanni causing me public embarrassment because i fell down due to her very strong yank because we were trying to hide from that guy we saw at the mrt station. (i sprained my arm for 2 weeks after that and i remember my skirt flew up when she yanked at me.) the amusing confrontation. it's funny how things change over a year. people whom you thought could be trusted show their true colours in the face of adversity. save your own skin then.

he likes it more when it's let down. (he says he likes how it feels) i prefer his fauxhawk. (i like try to flatten it, despite protests and pouty faces) familiarity. cheers. :)))

birthday wish

2006-11-03T23:39:00.000+08:00

i want this book for my birthday. it's already out now. but buying it is no fun. i want someone to get it for me. i miss receiving books for my birthdays. enough gadgets. i love alex more. and i want to laugh at the article he wrote about singaporean food. and the incident at the hotel. i should've went. i should have went.

you owe me. big time.

game over.

2006-11-03T23:23:00.000+08:00

and now you pay. serves you right. funny ah? shit you.

stone pissed as it is.

sexy boy

2006-11-02T12:23:00.000+08:00

i want matt tong's hair. he has the hair that i want. long fringe and everything. see? i told you. he's got nice hair. i don't mind a boyfriend who looks like russell. cute russell. or someone from kings of convenience. :)))

oh yea. listen to air's sexy boy. then to the franz ferdinand's remake. and tell me which one is nicer please. i want to buy the walk away single because it's on the b-side. i heard poor reviews about the franz ferdinand version. i've yet to hear the ff one. and youtube is an ass for making nice videos unavailable and suspending users which i personally think are cool. what's wrong with that video seriously?

:))) i love my own sexy boy. going around topless posing as mahatma gandhi? ahems. i should have been there. to laugh at you. then rush over with a blanket to cover you. haha. and are you or are you not gay? and don't say you're happy gay. i'll roll my eyes at you.

soulless

2006-11-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

i can't believe you thought i really want to marry an italian man who'll ride me around on a vespa and cook for me. ladida. i miss you. and since when am i your satellite? you want satellite go download google earth, ok? i have become an information centre for your group. but at least i was entertained. but i had no peace to sleep leh. and 11th november how? oh wait, your sister's birthday. but i want to go to the nickelodeon thing. but shout at me one more time and i'll give you the silent treatment. then you know how annoyed i was.

i love how some things fall into place. i love your touch. it makes me tingle. dingly tingles are nice. and i love how you gaze into my eyes. and make me feel so unadulterated. i want to fall asleep in your arms. and for you to sing a lullaby of something that i know. and i want to breathe in your scent.

have a nice day

2006-10-31T20:57:00.000+08:00

i miss listening to the stereophonics. shall go listen to superman later. you don't know what it's been like meeting someone like you... aah! re-discovered franz ferdinand's don't start. so so so lovely. reminiscent of the sweet innocence of being in love and that feeling of running in circles over that person. love love love.

had a lot of time to burn over op. digressed with liz and amanda while we discussed our poo-poo presentation. so amanda recounted to us her trip to serangoon with little amanda to collect ODAC t-shirts. and how she was overwhelmed by the number of cedar girls she saw. so liz told us about the blue army and the polkadot army existing in sajc. up to you to guess what's what. seaweed lovers. love my pw mates trucksload. despite our little spats and whatnot, we were practically the only team that had the least disagreements. and lunch from kfc!!!thanks to small amanda. and sleeping in class after that was heavenly.

and that woman is such a biatch. just because there are students from other classes for today you want to act like you're the only one who holds authority? shit you. and then you specifically pick on students. poor sufi. which option would a teacher let his/her students do: let them finish up OP script but at least you know they're quiet? or let them talk and make noise and you yourself end up telling everyone to shut up? shitass. you just had bad sex (or none as speculated by sufi) and you're taking it out on us. shit you. after a levels, i never have to see you and your smug face ever again. all the things that you did really had no point in them, even.

to evil carebear: whee!! and how can you not figure out why i was so smiley last night? what kind of person are you? poo poo.

:)))

2006-10-31T11:54:00.001+08:00

oh come on, how can you not know why i'm smiley?

pfft.

2006-10-30T23:22:00.000+08:00

again, you leave me hanging in a lurch. i'm getting sick of this time and time again. i don't get enough of you and you abandon me once again. so typical. why don't you just leave me altogether? it'll end the frustration and the misery once and for all. i don't want empty promises. i've been hurt one too many times by the same person before. don't be like him. i can't bear to pick up the pieces and get cut by them one more time.

i miss the guy who willingly cut himself with the broken pieces, trying to mend my broken heart. come back to work there again. i still wait for you. like i waited 2 years ago.

tied to the 90's

2006-10-30T18:53:00.000+08:00

i was a child of the 80's. but a sponge to the 90's. considering i was born just a year before the 90's started. love. evil carebear's everything is screwing up on him. his blog account, his msn... i know they like me because his account seems to work when i log into his. they like me more. i wonder why. because their owner loves me! poo poo. need to cut my fingr nails. getting annoying. raah! i woke up late, forgot mr darling laptop. but the day ended well. bought polar puffs for the family to enjoy. lovelove the black pepper crab puff. it's so nice to eat. i like my bus rides home from woodlands. because i always contemplate stopping at bt panjang to crash at starbucks and roam around bt panjang plaza. cheers. i want my feelgood music. where's my la la love?

hell no

2006-10-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

alex's alluring voice + alex's decadent rockgod pose and stare + 'outsiders' + andy 'whose my man if he can do it no one can' knowles + andy's hyper playing + 12 drummers whacking it at the same time = mayhem.

I LOVE ALEX 'LUCKY, LUCKY YOU'RE SO LUCKY' KAPRANOS!!!! i worship the damn ground you walk on. fuck. this is crazy. but i like it. but i love you more. :))) teehee...

i'm the person with hurt in his eyes,
i'm the person you never saw cry.

you have to watch the anti bullying campaign ad. it's damn cool. because there's alex in it! with his oh so sexy drawl and intense gaze. those are the lines that he says in it.

blue nothing

2006-10-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

i miss listening to random songs on my lappytoppy. ( the new name for it) found mew's video for zookeeper's boy. tall, just like a giraffe. you have to climb to find its head. and manic street preacher's empty souls. i miss watching the video on mtv. mtv has become overrrated. it has become too gangsta. touche! what happened to all the indie, grunge, electronica and alternative that they had in the past? i don't see anymore franz ferdinand, mew, dandy warhols or any of the people who have actual talent rocking and doing what they love. or ladytron and le tigre. i miss seeing the vines rocking out and the thrills ringing in my ears. it's the indie bands that make interesting videos. ah, bloc party, what has become of thee? (sheesh, lit freak) results this coming friday. same as the darn-ded a level malay paper. and a very long day in school after that. can't imagine pw for 4.5hours. i don't care how tomorrow goes. as long as it ends the way i want it to, then i don't care. raah!

oh, the sweetest thing.

fool me once, shame on you

2006-10-28T16:17:00.000+08:00

so everything was fine and dandy for today's saturday pw session. i was quite freaked out by the number of dead insects i found around the school. while waiting, kristy, leonard and i mulled around with youtube. from mcr's black parade to a japanese anime. then went to look for interesting music and pictures online. found some stuff to sketch for later. wanted to start sketching when i got home but was so tired that i fell asleep in my uniform. woke up to change but ended up having to greet guests. my grandnephew is so darn-diddly cute and chubby. like my penguin. he really is. chey. grandnephew. i feel so old in my family because i'm high in the hierachy on my dad's side right now.

i'm going to do the sketches in a bit. if you're wondering, it's part of the surprise. and a reason to buy acrylics. maybe not acrylics. too expensive for this project. i'll think of something then. black, white and red. yum. still not finalised. have to buy the material.

i'm gonna wait right here

2006-10-28T09:30:00.000+08:00

i'm now in school waiting for liz with kristy, and we're so darn pissed that liz is late, again. i'm tired and i'm sick of our group leader always being the one that's late. and i miss him. so much. i feel responsible for what happened between him and them. that's all for this morning. see you again dear. i can't wait for long bus rides.

losing myself permanently

2006-10-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

today was a useless day, except mother tongue mock exam. good vibes about this. thanks to yanni and little brother to make it a good one today. and marcus is a nice guy. he fed me twice today with the nice want want wafer sticks and a pocky stick. and he returned my ez-link card 2 minutes after taking it away. thanks marcus. no evil photos here.

i miss all my ASEAN friends. a month has passed and i keep crying when i think about all our escapades during that period of 5 days. angels, friends, brothers, sisters, romances, lovers,.. you name it, we had it. a special bond that no one can ever break. we are unbreakable. GOOD LUCK TO THOSE TAKING SATS NEXT MONTH AND THOSE TAKING UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAMINATIONS!!!

i miss you, you know i do. come back soon, honey.

in my mind's eye

2006-10-26T22:00:00.000+08:00

if that's how he feels about me, then maybe we shouldn't be. i don't want to aggravate things between you and them. you know i'll always care for you. you know you have a place in my heart. but the decision's up to you.

why are you always so far from me? i've lost my sense and sensibility. breaking down, broken, can't be repaired. let me lay in your arms until i die in them.

getting good

2006-10-26T13:11:00.000+08:00

for some reason, i've been receiving a lot of $50 bills in my collection money. i'm not complaining. but $50 is a bit too much. i feel really bad, especially when the people who give me the money aren't really making a lot. this is why i hate hari raya money collection. when the not well-to-do give me more than what i expect, i feel like giving it back to them. it just makes me want to cry. i get enough money from my parents, thank you. they give me more than enough. that's why i'm saving this year. i want to get something that's really worth it and not throw money frivolously like before. i'm not being self-righteous and pious or anything of that sort. i just feel like i've let a lot of people down these few days.

i'm thinking about someone's birthday present. and i've got a great cheapo, artistic idea up my sleeve. ya gots ta wait, ya gots ta wait. i ain't telling. and i'm not getting the shoes that you keep showing me. no way. leave that to your family members please.

not mine... ever

2006-10-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm standing in quicksand while i see a huge tsunami coming towards me but i'm helpless to do anything because i'm rooted to the ground and no one is willing to risk their lives to save me and they'd rather save their own skin and is this the punishment i get for falling too deep it's unfair that i don't get to ever see you talk to you or be with you and this is separating us keeping us apart and we're drifting further from each other i can only grasp your fingers while i get sucked under and struggle to breathe and stay afloat while the waves pull you from my reach and all you can do is go with the flow of the water i'm drowning in my own tears into the dark abyss of the deepest oceans i don't even know if you'll wait for me once they rescue you while i disappear forever without trace what did i do to deserve this melancholy?

metamorphosis

2006-10-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

if you've never read franz kafka's metamorphosis, you should be shot. or any of his works at all. the language is simple yet beautiful. perfect. i love russian authors these days. especially bulgakov. bulgakov, bulgakov. i want to fall in love with your books again. i've yet to finish the master and margarita. i love the crazy setting. i love the master. i love how he's incredibly calm despite being in the predicament he faces, being exiled in a mental institution. i love how margarita is so helpless in getting the master back, yet she's so frighteningly strong and independent during the devil's ball. i love the scene where she bathes in blood and presents herself naked to the guests of the ball. i love how the devil messes with those who try too hard to expose him. it's such a decadent book. everyone should go read it. i love franz ferdinand for coming up with love and destroy and making me want to fly into the muscavite sky. it's all too surreal. i want to be margarita and find my lost lover, the master, and be with him while he locks himself to write, and make sure we're never apart. i want too much. i've started to ramble. i've let thoughts stream into my conscience endlessly. i've fallen into a blurry abyss once more. i need someone to pull me out and make me realise my brain isn't stopping. that i need to step out of this subconscious. where are you, my dear? you've let me slipped down after what you did.

not today...

2006-10-24T17:00:00.000+08:00

for some reason, i have no mood to celebrate this year's hari raya. i stopped caring about the money, i stopped being excited seeing the food, i stopped being excited counting down. maybe i've been to busy to even try to make the effort. even when i'm not, i'm using all my effort to recover all the energy i lost over project work and school stress. maybe not this year.

i have been a bad granddaughter. i haven't visited my grandmothers' graves at all for the fasting month. i've been putting it on hold since i started school. maybe not today, maybe not for this year. maybe it's because tomorrow when i go back to school, it's endless project work and intensive mother tongue for me until next friday. that's why i don't really enjoy the atmosphere. what's wrong with me?

i love the long bus rides the most. they're what i look forward to all the time.

maybe not.. we'll see.

blood rushes to my face

2006-10-23T20:29:00.000+08:00

today was a perfect day. had pw meeting with liz and amanda. or now it's vick tim and ther ee ghit. groovy. and i got bee ee-ching. if you can see the illusion in mine, you deserve a pat on your back. nyaha!

evil carebear and little brother just simply know how to make my day. to evil carebear, let's not say it here but thanks for the extra special fuzzy feeling i got today. and little brother, your card is just so cute. and i love the picture you drew. i hope it comes true in the future. and what a spectacle my mum has to see when she sees us on the sofa.

love isn't perfect, i can guarantee you that. but what i can promise you is, we'll always find a way to make it work. your eyes, they make me weak in the knees.

oh...

2006-10-23T18:06:00.000+08:00

again, you've found a way to leave me breatheless once more. i'm losing my sense and sensibility. how do you do it?

today was a good day

2006-10-22T15:08:00.000+08:00

went out with my parents and my sister today. it's all good. but at joo chiat complex, i got slammed by the lift door on both sides. damn, it hurt. don't their lifts have sensors? but anyway, the issue was just so perplexing that i was laughing and crying at the same time. laughing at myself over the situation i got caught it (literally caught in) and crying because both my arms were hurting and i didn't know which one to soothe first. here are the photos.

don't we have the same smile? sisters.

the hari raya massacre

walking down backlanes and alleyways.

i love how you make me feel sometimes. but other times, i just have to wonder. and i apologise once again.

the great escape

2006-10-21T23:28:00.000+08:00

fine, i apologise for what i did, ok? what lah, evil carebear. can't even have my fun. hmph.

aah! was watching videos. and guess what? i finished watching the entire season of drew carey green screen show. all 12 episodes. and was watching music videos until now. the lead singer of we are scientists is super uber good-looking. and i don't mind having a boyfriend who dresses like that. (hint hint...) suits always go well with sneakers. that's damn fashionable these days. kind of like jeff davis. memories of drew carey green screen show. one who dresses like alex kapranos? i don't mind the real deal. or bob will be good enough. hardy har har. or andy. the unofficial 5th member of franz ferdinand.

watching the ordinary boys' video and hearing their ska-beat song boys will be boys makes me miss trumpets and playing the cornet out loud for the whole world to hear. 1st cornet for 4 frigging years. can you imagine? in sec 1, i was the only junior in 1st cornet, playing alongside the seniors and also alumni members. and up to sec 4, i retained the same chair from sec 3. the beatles' hey jude is playing in my earphones. reminders of their movie, hard day's night. that was a kooky movie. you have to watch it. the black-and-whiteness of it all. i love retro.

watch out.. i bite.. hard..

here's to a 150th post

2006-10-21T17:56:00.000+08:00

today was a lacklustre day. feeling really beside myself at this point of time. must be the cough i'm having at the moment. i've become a skinny stick at the moment. i think i lost more weight. have to check soon. i lost a couple of inches of my waist. i can stick two fists into my jeans when i wear them. and even the belt doesnt' help. that's for being a skinny, 10% anorexic and 2% bulimic and athletic cuckoo sometimes.

my nice brother gave me a back press just now. felt good to finally get one after such a long time. and my daddy's finally home early for the first time. usually he reaches home after 9pm. heavy workload. eeps. today went out, but didn't get everything that i wanted. but i left the house looking like i just woke up with my unkempt hair in a messy ponytail and my eyes half-open. trying out shades at john little was fun. the retro one with white frame is super sexy ok? i want them. which means i have to get contact lenses first. then i can enjoy wearing them.

i miss the j2's. i miss daniel saw. i miss seeing him at the mrt station and walking with him and laughing at him trying to convince me that his hair is growing. i hate the school being so empty. it's so demoralising sometimes. i miss daniel, i miss daniel... and i miss the feeling of holding his hand and jumping into the sea with him like we did 4 months ago. and that adorably sweet smile and accent that he has. raah! i never regret meeting him. though people now think there's something between us. but there's nothing as cassandra might like to think. stop making rumours about me and daniel.

december y-camp: evil carebear's going. and my mum gave me the greenlight. whoops. but when she goes to hk i'm not following. so i'm staying in singapore. with my brother and my maid. because i think my dad is following, and my sister is definitely going. raah! my mum says she wants to go kl. i want faidz. if i go, then can call the man for a tour. but i don't know. it's all tentative. she might go during y-camp. but i liebe y-camp more. and evil carebear. so, the mind's made up.

aren't you glad? i want to fall into your open arms.

coke and seaweed

2006-10-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

i think i've become addicted to coke and seaweed. yummy and potent combination. a new sin.

i finally got what i wanted. yea. i so deserved it. today was interesting. i saw a man being arrested in front of the police post. he looked like a bald man with a chinchilla stuck to his head. raah! bought ribbons to make ribbon ketupats to decorate the lovely house. yay. now watching 3 abdul with my sister. abdul wahab, abdul wahib, abdul wahub... i love my messy ponytail. it is so, deliberate and accidental at the same time.

testing out my sister's groovy eyewear. i love her shades. i want contact lenses now, so i can wear them.

collapse

2006-10-19T20:36:00.000+08:00

i almost collapsed in school after ogl meeting. went to the toilet and found it really, and i mean really, hard to breathe. i felt dizzy and about to lose consciousness. felt the toilet swirling around me. hyperventilation came at the most inconvenient time. and the difficulty to breathe continued until i boarded the 963 bus at woodlands interchange. i think the sleep calmed me down a bit. and there was no haze to aggravate it. so i felt much better. much much better.

how come when i hear dealova now, it's a different guy in my imagination? and it's someone i didn't expect. because i thought he was unimportant until lately. but he doesn't have my heart. because it's already yours. where am i in your life?

the higher you get, the harder you fall

2006-10-19T15:36:00.000+08:00

i was so high, and i just crashed back down to earth, maybe deeper down. you know how it goes. i hate it when plans screw up. this is the fourth time. i'm sick of it. coming from one who doesn't make plans, i hate it when this happens. even when you read this, it's too late. i'm too angry for now. i can't even be bothered to say anything to you.

thanks faidz. for lending a listening ear for five minutes before fire drill. you really are a good friend. thanks for caring and still offering to be a part of my life, even though we're not on the same floor of the hotel anymore. and for still being concerned about me and my erratic behaviour online and during asean quiz. i feel so, comforted knowing that you're watching over me despite being across the Causeway. and for making me feel good and the sweet words of affection sometimes. thank you thank you thank you. raah! must come down to singapore in december. fly down drive down, walk, cycle,... you mustmustmust come. and we'll have fun. you've got a choice, just you and me or whatever. as long as you pay. :))) and i'll go up to kl at the first possible chance i get and you can show me around town in your car. (i want to know what car you drive) thanks: the man, abang, datuk F, di-tanjung katong partner. whatever, i lov you all the same.

bad? mine is worse

2006-10-18T20:09:00.000+08:00

"do you know what's the best part of falling in love?"
"what's that?"
"when you don't expect to..."

today was just bad. again a meet with evil carebear didn't materialise. i cried a lot today. after seeing IJ126's ong shuduan cry, and after every argument with evil carebear. yes we exchanged those three words, but today the tears just came easily. and hearing daniel telling me that he might not stay on in innova next year. i don't want to lose a friend that i had by my side for 5 years. and we've been in the same cca from since sec 1. my hands are shaking, i'm almost on the verge of tears again. and after looking at all the photographs developed. i feel so disappointed. i'm going to re-develop my photos at the usual shop which i can trust to make my photos as nice and clean as possible. how can you mess up 14/16 of my photos?

thanks to faidz for the small words of encouragement. the man. i'm sorry but i can be nothing more than your tanjung katong girl. because, er... up to you to figure out. but thanks for staying for an additional 1/2hour yesterday even though you could've gone home. and all the advice. thanks my friend. you have a rolling good time at the office on hari raya. maybe i'll visit you once i have the time.

i love you. you know i do. two days of written report cramming has taken its toll on me. oh, something to make me feel better. december y-camp! at jalan bahtera. memories of j1 camp. i want to be a rockified belayer again. but, maybe evil carebear isn't going. i can't stand separation. i take it badly. and the reason why i look forward to december y-camp is so that i can be with him. and it's 4 days. maybe i'll ask one of my friends. now i need a shoulder to cry on.

words of love and words so leisured

2006-10-18T06:06:00.000+08:00

i'm grateful that i'm promoted. that's all i'll say. it helps to believe in God, it helps that people believe in you. but it doesn't help when you're being pushed to the brink of insanity. i'm terminating my tutor's services for good. after he completes the last 12 hours. i don't know why i'm up at 6.15am. my mum convinced me to sleep early, wake up early, after last night's stay in school. so now i'm actually still half-asleep without any breakfast in me.

to evil carebear, i'm sorry that yesterday's meeting didn't materialise. i had to stay in school, you had to meet your dad. but i promise i'll make it up to you. to little brother, i'm sorry i couldn't respond to your message but i was just too busy. i'll call you soon and we'll talk on the phone and make proper plans to meet up soon. but for now, don't worry. i've got your back and you know i'm always here for you, with australia network waiting. and you'll do fine. i bet you topped the class, even.

im going to eat something now. good morning and goodbye. see 0633a in school.

solely by myself

2006-10-17T12:11:00.000+08:00

at the moment, i'm feeling overwhelmed. because i passed. all my subjects. well, except for gp. that's the last one. here are my results:

h2 mathematics - D (from a U)
h2 literature - C (from a D)
h2 history - C (from a D)
h1 chemistry - E (from a C)
h1 malay - C (no change)
h1 GP - unkown. but should be a pass.

missing my three favourite guys. my tanjung katong partner, my little brother and my evil carebear. especially my evil carebear. thanks for accompanying me last night while i cried, ranted and complained until 1.30am. :))) sweet emotion.

will have fantastic passion

2006-10-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

i published an earlier post. but guess what? i deleted it. because i can't ever stay mad at the subject for more than 2 hours. aah.. sigur ros' gong is on my lovely mp3 player. today was the worst roller coaster ride i ever had. imagine having to run to the mrt station in the messy haze and almost dying, then getting high knowing you're one of the few who passed h2 mathematics, then having your group's written report thrown back in your face and told it was complete crap, then getting high knowing you improved in h2 literature, then plunging into abyss knowing you dropped two grades for h1 chemistry. to top it off, having to call someone seven times before he finally decides to wake up and telling you,"i guess not." when all you want to do is cry due to the overwhelming intensity you faced throughout the day. i think i reached an all-new low. rock bottom doesn't even cut it. i think it's now underground that i face.

thanks to the lovely pw mates liz and amanda, for listening to my rants and complaining incessently about crazy parents during open house and going out to take photos for oral presentation. after oral presentation, irregularity report, group project file submission, we're home free. i can't believe our group could be downsized to just three members soon.

i miss lying down on the esplanade roof garden. i miss walking endlessly. i miss taking endless photographs. i miss falling asleep on the train. i miss not knowing when i'll see you again because of the change in shift. i miss your smile with crooked teeth. i miss your jokes. i miss gazing into your eyes. i miss the almostkisses. i miss the love letters. but do i miss you? i moved on, but i left a part of me behind. i don't love you, i just want to hold on to the memory. it's been more than two years. you're too cruel to do this to me.

to the past i once knew, to the present i'll forever hold on to.

flutterby-ed

2006-10-15T16:41:00.000+08:00

everytime you say those words, it sends shivers up and down my spine. no matter what medium you say them in, it still has the same effect.

we'll walk down the streets together again. and sit by the river and watch our troubles float away.

hello, world

2006-10-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

i don't want to talk about open house. so, here are the photos from open house
preparation before open house started. zhiyang looks lost.

the anatomy of a floorball

after 4 years of friendship, the craziness prevails...

... until sometimes, i just stop trying to fathom

she who makes history lectures more bearable.

noob moment no. 1

noob moment no. 2

you know the day's dwindling when you start dancing like a drunk

meet wayne koh. even he has a mohawk.

the narcissist.

everytime i hear once's dealova, i imagine us dancing together to it. you embracing me, leading. me, with eyes closed, moving closer to breathe in the scent of you. us moving across the floor, silently synchronised. perfect

drying tears

2006-10-13T22:15:00.000+08:00

i just want someone to talk to. just to watch me cry and not stop the tears from flowing. because that person would understand. i'm insecure too. there are always moments that i falter and i hit rock-bottom. because, i am human after all.

i think i'll just crawl into this tiny space

2006-10-13T17:41:00.000+08:00

love is like a red, red rose. my first literature lecture in innova jc, and this is the first thing i learnt. another wasted day in school. i should have asked for two day's of mc. rarr! wasted my screaming efforts last night panicking over insights & reflection. oh well. a short day in school though. literature lecture was just sleep inducing. and history was, well, crappy if you end up sitting with 0643a. but i do love yanni though. so it wasn't that bad. haha. and the light-heartedness of lecture was something i needed.

and math? i just do not want to talk about it. mr phua was absent, mia. so, no math paper. so i'm panicking and worrying whether i passed or failed. if i pass math, i've got hope. if i don't, i'm not even deliberating my chances. if i fail, i leave. i won't even fight for the 200 retainee places. i'm not worth it. i'd rather go polytechnic, get a diploma, get a job. not going to worry about life at this point. and history tutorial was a watch-videos-on-liz's-macbook session. and being interrogated by amalina over something. and apparently, now liz knows i love the beatles. because she could hear them playing in my mp3. the beatles are good. it's been a hard day's night, and i've been working like a dog...

open house tomorrow! yay. photo taking opportunities everywhere. innova finally has a school song. it's very pop but i didn't really hear the full song. i might get to see someone tomorrow.

solemnly convene to make the scene

2006-10-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

sigur ros has the ability to calm me. it's becoming like a drug. sort of like soma to me. auditory soma. melancholic melodies and haunting voices. like mew, i once said. but not quite. there's the hint of hope, except you don't really know what the singer is saying. but you can feel it. and it speaks to you. beautiful. everyone needs a musical high once in a while. mine comes from sigur ros. gong is so hypnotic and compelling. it's something you try to resist but can't quite pull yourself away from. that, my friends, is the magic of sigur ros. it's like being sucked into icy water, it shocks and drowns you, yet it's refreshing and exhilerating.

i'm trying to think rationally to be able to do my i&r. i hate project work. the good part is, that it's mid-october. which means, final written report next wednesday. (yes!) and it'll only be oral presentation and submission of i&r and group project file in november. and that it'll be the end of project work! i don't even think i can go university at this point. strike out. mid-october. which means next month will be mother tongue a level and i'll be a fat happy doughnut running around, brandishing my red exel edge source floorball stick on the court. can't wait, can't wait. floorball girls going to have a field day on saturday. i like fast, light balls and my long stick. oh man, that sounds wrong. i think i'll get my math paper tomorrow. then maybe i won't be a fat happy doughnut by then. poopoo. plus, got around developing some of my photos. yes! my gigantic photo frame with a lone picture of tulip x-rays will have something more interesting added on. yayness. i love post-exam projects.
what's that coming over the hill, is it a monster?!

branded

2006-10-12T13:16:00.000+08:00

had very bad diarrhea this morning. but what the hell, decided to go to school. in school, was feeling really weak and felt bad nausea and eventually, vomitted. was sent home by the school as a suspected noro virus case. but not to worry, a check with the doctor and i'm bouncing healthy. healthy and sleepy, actually. just the stomache disagreeing with something i ate.

aye. the making of justin timberlake's sexyback. ooh. i think the song has the effect of getting girls' sexy on. vomiting isn't the most fun thing to experience. thankfully, the school did not decide to quarantine me. if they did i'd be in deep shit because i'd have to miss open house this saturday. i want to be part of open house. and someone said he might pop by! woo...

in love, there are always mistakes made. you can count on it.

:))))

2006-10-11T20:49:00.000+08:00

the person i can never stay mad at for long periods of time. happy days ahead, sweetie.

i dedicate this to you: i can fall into your open arms. because they are the most welcoming. if i made you angry, i apologise. if i hurt you, i didn't mean to. if i made you cry, i should be shot. not all that glitters is gold; not all those who wander are lost. (JRR Tolkien)